Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
