All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
