did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.