Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.