Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
