my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
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It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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