Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
