There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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