I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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