I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
