He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
