dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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