I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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