When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
