i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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