Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had to cum in my sink.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
