i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My penis needs a shock collar
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
