So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
