When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
