He uses pillows to masturbate.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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