I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
