a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
