you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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