Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
