He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
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I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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