My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
