Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
