So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
