This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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