I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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