Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
