Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
