he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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