If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Semen is not good for contacts.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize