It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
