why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
ttyl tear gas
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
