dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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