i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
false alarm. still invincible.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
