Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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