Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
