i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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