Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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