'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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