I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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