Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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