i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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