I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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