Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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