Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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