dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Randomize
