I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
time to smoke my breakfast
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
