So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
