the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I touched a dick in church today
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
