Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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