I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
