wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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