i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
