Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
