so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
