hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
