God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
