so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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