I'm gonna have a badass scar
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
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