Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
