Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
